#13 Fresh Eyes
Fall, Fallen, Falling
Seasons Change
I began writing this blog immediately after my birthday in early September and continued writing throughout October. Many of these feelings have come and gone.
September 15, 2024
Autumn truly beckons change, and I allow, release, and surrender to the transformation. This past birthday was a tough one. I don’t speak about it explicitly since it’s nobody’s business, but my 5-and-some-year relationship ended just over 6 months ago. 7 days out of the week, for so long, were spent grieving that friendship, love, and life we had together. Just 8 days ago, I noticed that I am no longer grieving, and I have felt the peace of that for weeks and weeks now. On September 9th, I turned twenty-seven and celebrated my birthday for the first time in six years without the one person who was there each time. It made me realize, this is a year for a lot of firsts like that. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you’ve read that I have been grieving something all year. Once the relationship ended, it seemed that so much more within my life was just waiting to fall apart—and it did. The breakup was just the tip of the iceberg, because, outside of my comfy relationship—that’s where I find real life again.
Not to center my birthday around anyone else, but this birthday reminded me of all of that. It made me feel awkward. People inevitably asked how my birthday was, wished me “the best day ever,” and hoped it was happy and fun. As much as I was absolutely celebrating the blessing of another year alive, my health, my loved ones, etc. I was not happy. I felt the pressure all around me from so many people to be happy on my birthday, but I just wasn’t and that's my business. I was uncomfortable. In the midst of feeling this way, I was able to see that it’s simply the start of a new direction in my life. This focus shift is what is keeping me afloat. It helps life feel exciting.
I need change in my life, but at what cost? I didn’t expect so many things to fall apart. And falling apart doesn’t mean getting worse. It just means—becoming something new. Gravity is a constant on this earth, after all. We will fall! And we will break open what is meant to be. What isn’t meant to be broken will always stand its ground. Yet, life challenges even the most sturdy foundations. How they fall apart isn’t up to us. What is up to us is how we let the falling affect our lives. With full support of these changes and challenges, I’ll let it all fall if that means I’m on my path.
I’ve reflected all year on my various relationships—those that have fallen apart and, in contrast, those that have blossomed. And of course, all the muddled nonsense in between. I’ve thought about the lack of mutuality, the confusion in connection, the struggles and evolution with friendships, and the breakup. I allow it all to just be. I’ll find my balance in all of it because of all of it. What I truly value the most is the lesson within each and every feeling there is to feel. I try to subtract myself from the equation and look at it all as omnisciently as possible in order to gain a broader understanding, to empathize, and to not take things personally. I do that all for my own benefit, as an invitation for peace and understanding in my life while also considering that it will inevitably benefit the people I involve myself with. However, I will say, I am too tolerant of too much.
I was talking with Chuck the other night, and as my big brother, he was telling me about myself. For example, I’m new to dating. I did it a little bit as a 19/20-year-old, but that was ages ago. This time around, I’ve been on one date. I’ll put no pressure on this dating thing as long as I’m here in this space. I have too much to focus on in my life. But as a newly-ish single person, a yearner, and a big romantic, I’d hope for things to feel sweet, at the very least. I have no shame when it comes to letting people know my feelings, putting in effort, double texting (gag), and being the initiator. But I also tolerate things being that way, afraid to allow things to just be without control. It’s not my job to control a connection. One can hope and want and crave. But then what’s the point if it isn't reciprocated naturally?
While a situation involves another human being, things will never be as straightforward as one would hope. People are complex, dealing with their own lives, relationships, families, heartaches, hardships, and mental health. I understand—more than you know. Lately, my prayer every day is for God to hold my people. I pray for those who need holding to be and feel held. I remember writing in blog #10, “High Hopes,” that I expect nothing of anyone. Easier said than done. But I have absolutely been practicing that exercise, and it’s left me sore here and there. Still, I think I’ve been doing a good job—consciously reminding myself when I get caught up in the ever waxing, seldom waning, feeling of disappointment. And lately, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why people say things that they never follow through with! I mean, aren’t I left to expect that you’ll keep your word and mean what you say? It seems there’s a part of trust that is left to the ethers. Because you never truly know what a person’s intentions are unless communicated, and even then—still can’t trust that. And what is peace without trust? And what is trust without expectation? Do trust and faith hold the same weight? Clearly, it would be wrong to expect anything from faith…right? Hmm. I just wish I could learn to detach sooner than I do. Even still, I remain patient and forgiving—hopeful, even. While sage-ing away the leftover energy of giving a fuck too much. And in silent solo car rides, 40 minutes away from everywhere I safely land, or when I find myself quiet and roaming my thoughts among any crowd, I let all of it spin my head in circles and, sadly, briefly wash away my peace.
I want peace, money, personal success, and romance with myself. It’s already in my atmosphere. And if I date, I want sweetness, some romance, and no confusion. Is there a world where that even exists? In my world, I lay topless on my bed in my biggest sweats and think long and hard about the past. Karla and I walked through downtown last night after eating tacos and drinking the sweetest sandía. We talked about how confusing people are—i.e., men—and all the different kinds of relationships to them, while life at this moment for us is already confusing.
We spend so much time thinking about the past in general. What could’ve been done or said—all the coulda’s and woulda’s. Reminiscing out of admiration and longing. Reminiscing out of confusion. But what if we dedicated more brain space to our future? When we think about our future, we have to consider the present. It begs to be considered! So that’s where I begin: right now. What can I do right now in favor of my future self? What can I do right now to feel good, effectively benefiting my future? What can I do right now to make room for and create peace and pleasure? (Funny enough, I wrote this weeks ago and just booked a trip to Tokyo for 10 days in November using all of my savings and had no second thoughts. I’m usually not that spontaneous. Meant to be, clearly!)
Chuck and I concluded that where my ego lies is in thinking that people should care about my feelings just because I have them or share them. That’s where the expectations come from. It’s hard for me to move on from a person, place, thing, or feeling. But I also understand all of this about people and myself: People come; people go. People do what they want. People feel more than they let on, or the complete opposite. People don’t care. People don’t know what they want. People are confusing.
Ultimately, I’m just really tired. I need a reset. I need to look at life with fresh eyes. I need to appreciate what’s in front of me. I need new inspiration. I need to end this really confusing, messy, unbalanced chapter of my life and start the next. I think that’s what it is: the end of this chapter. And of course, I’m tired. Of course, I’m uninspired. I need to let this season be what it is and start a new and fresh one. There is no need to fix, contour, or adjust anything here today. But tomorrow, whenever tomorrow makes sense, after deep rest and with fresh eyes, I will start where I left off and begin again. And of course, the first thing I think of is escaping Los Angeles. I have to get out of here for some time. I’ve thought about NYC, I’ve craved Mexico City, and I’ve dreamed of moving to the Bahamas and living a meaningful, intentional, and simple life. I don’t quite know what is next for me, but it’s not in my comfort zone, that’s for sure.
I finished the blog…and then I wrote more.
I love writing a blog about myself, my feelings, and my life. And it’s not because I get to talk about myself; it’s because this is a space I’ve created to reflect on the real things in my life that trip me up. Here, I can express gratitude and release my thoughts and feelings in real time. Still, I am a very private person, so it’s been a challenge to be the creator of this space where I encourage my own personal vulnerability while still maintaining my privacy. I think it’s important to remain this way, just for my peace and sanity.
I share these inner parts of me to encourage others to embrace vulnerability and reflection. I get to be incredibly honest with myself and my readers. Throughout the month that I write each blog, I learn about myself immensely. Beginning each blog like a very intimate journal entry, I flesh it out, and subtract the super detailed parts. Every now and then, I come back to add a thought or mention something I felt that day, piling it on and on. I come to realize things that have been eating at my brain, feelings, and heart. I actively teach myself—and learn from the people who make up these different dynamics in my life.
For example, I talk about how I’m confused by certain people in my life. But because I reflect on them in my writing, I guide myself to new understandings about why I’m confused. What is truly confusing? How can I make things less confusing for myself? Am I doing all that I can to relax through time and space and allow things to just exist? Is this something I should guide the flow of or release to the flow? Or is it time to subtract myself from the equation as a whole?
I understand myself and people more and more—so thoroughly—simply because I take the time to reflect. And it's because I care so much. I wish people cared more! I’m really grateful for my emotional maturity. I haven’t always been this level-headed. It just makes life easier for myself.
Through all this time, I’ve been learning to let go. What a cool life exercise! I created this opportunity for myself. Letting go of people is so hard, but I’ve done it many times this year. I’ve let go of friendships, a tumultuous past with my father—something I struggle with daily—and a partner I once loved so deeply. I’m even letting go of myself, the old me. Letting go in this way once felt impossible and so, so scary. Now, letting go feels really beautiful to me because it’s the only way to evolve. I bought a one-way ticket to my greatest potential. Here I fucking come.
Lately, it feels good to be alone. It feels good to crave sweetness because, to me, it’s decadent. It’s a treat when it comes. And it's natural, in the current space I’m in, to see it go. That feels good to me right now—to be able to see that clearly. Such is life! I’m here to live and feel it all, not just to dream and dream and dream.
Life challenges even the most sturdy foundations. How they fall apart isn’t up to us. What is up to us is how we let the falling affect our lives. With full support of these changes and challenges, I’ll let it all fall if that means I’m where I’m meant to be.
*song of the month*: XTC - urika’s bedroom
Lastly, I wrote and self published a book of poetry in 2023 titled Earth to Infinity. You can buy it in the “Shop” tab along with bookmarks and prints of my poetry, hand written and scanned by myself. If you enjoyed this blog or at least made it to the end, consider supporting me and purchasing an item (or a few). Thank you in advance ❤︎
Love 4ever,
Blair