#8 Big Kiss
What feels good anymore? My life feels like I’m just waiting and waiting for something to change, for something to happen. For an apology, for a surprise, for a deep breath, for a kiss, for peace, for rest, for purpose. I feel like I’m in a time constraint – my own doing. And I don't know how to separate myself from noticing the passage of time without wanting to disappear from the weight of it.
I am always able to remind myself, however, that if I take care of myself every single day, especially when it’s hard, I will feel changed. I love challenges; I love growth. Especially when I feel stagnant. But wow, it's hard!!! To uproot and forgive and change. But the ultimate gift to ourselves is allowing change and flowing with it.We cannot change our space without evolving within, at least simultaneously, if not first. What habits are no longer serving you? What beneficial habits can you replace those with? The answer to these questions will be the stepping stones towards feeling how you'd like to feel and creating your desired reality.
I noticed the other day that I am regressing in a healthy way. In a breakup poem that I wrote in 2017 titled “Center Of The Universe” (I can't stand that title), I wrote: “Feelings rearrange like they were never real / I’m forced back to my roots like I never grew / but the feeling boils in me like there’s still a flame / so I journey for my light inside these many wounds”. Without expanding on that at all, I just wanted to point out that it is important to go back to your roots when you feel imbalanced, in limbo, or incomplete. It is important to journey inward. What once brought you joy, pleasure and peace can often be the missing piece in the present. What makes you feel childlike and weightless? Again, take a moment to answer that question.
I have started going to dance classes again. The last time I was consistently in class was in 2019, and it didn’t last very long. In high school I tried out for the dance team simply because I missed the soccer team tryouts. The dance team gave my high school years a purpose. As intense and serious as it was, I admired the challenge, but, what I admired most was that we were one huge beautiful family. The discipline, structure, routine, and endurance was a lifelong lesson for me. Those years sculpted my love and passion for dance. Because I have always seemed to lead my life by considering my passions, dance is what I decided to major in in college. My mom was also a beautiful dancer for years and years, and her support and enthusiasm were unwavering. Quickly, I realized that was not the right decision for me at the time. Now, I wish I would have owned the challenge but I was afraid dance would become so heavily tied with the stress of school. After leaving to community college to figure out what else I was passionate about, very slowly, dance faded out of my life, and I discovered my passion for creative writing.
A quick word on fear: Fear is extremely debilitating. Having a fear of anything is a setback! It closes your energy off from growth and expansion and experience. Fear to change my life, fear to make a hard decision, fear of being perceived, fear of “failing” are fears I’ve felt recently. But, I’ve learned from my past like it’s my mf job. Once I notice a fear, I take the time to acknowledge it and turn it into a challenge. Facing a challenge is easier than facing a fear–in my brain. And time and time again I prove to myself that the challenge is where the sweetness lives. The rich satisfaction of learning and growing and proving to myself that I can survive through it all – with gratitude!
…—On the long car rides every other week from home to school, or vice versa, my dad would talk to us about history, movies, music, or things he wanted us to remember about life. Through his experience there is so much to learn. My favorite lesson was always that “you're an adult a lot longer than you’re a kid, so enjoy being a kid.” I think back to this one when I need a reminder to focus on the present moment. But the one that applies to fear is that we can’t take shortcuts, we have to face it and go through it. In a children’s book that my dad would read to us religiously called “We’re Going On A Bear Hunt”, a father, his three babies, and their mom, go on a bear hunt and are loudly “not scared”. They have to trek through tall grass, thick mud, and flowing water to escape. The story’s refrain is “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it!” (my dad still references this refrain and I need the reminder every time. If you read Blog #4 When I’m Not With Him, you’ll understand the significance I attribute to the nostalgia my father expresses.) A challenge does not have to be scary; by simply taking action, we can gauge what energy and effort and work needs to be applied in order to make it through. The scary part is the initial step. It’s always possible to get to the other side, but we won’t know if we don’t try. And, we will always be better for trying.
I have feared myself out of so much growth. As I sit here now, my mental, physical, situational, spiritual, growth is all I care to share my focus with. This means making sacrifices and challenging myself and being alone more than I’m comfortable with. But the joy and community of dance is beyond pleasure, it's part of the alignment and it doesn’t happen alone. Both dance and writing force me to center into a creative place that calms my thoughts and anxiety; my stress and heartache. In high school, I looked forward to team practice because it’s where I left my shell and became more myself. You know, all the high school drama and annoyances and stress and crushes that don’t like you back and the weight of surviving with divorced parents and the list goes on. I felt free and understood among my dancing peers, among a community. There was nothing else on my mind because dance is simply a world of its own, where nothing can touch you, nothing can imbalance your feelings.
Now, I’m 26 and I am not worried about a crush nor high school nonsense, nor graduating from college (during the pandemic). More pressing complications arise as we age. I understand the world around me as little as I did back then, as life is diluted by the urgency of living to survive. And the only thing that makes sense is filling space with love and passion. The only way to avoid living to survive is by living for and through what you are passionate about. Once you learn that, you will always have that thing, whatever it is, to lean on when you feel unbalanced.
That thing for me has been dancing! Dancing feels like I’m giving myself a big kiss. I love the routine of attending classes twice a week. I love knowing that my skill is improving. I love knowing that I’m tending to my mental, spiritual and physical health by dancing, not only because of the physical movement and the release it allows, but also because of the consistency that I’m proving to myself that I can achieve again. And most importantly, because I’m going back to my roots to find out what feels good again, to pick up where I left off. It’s been a hard year on my feelings and my heart. I’m remembering what I deserve! I’m remembering what feels good.
***—Big, humongous kiss to mi preciosa amiga, Johanna! She is the reason I felt comfy enough to get back in dance class earlier this year. We go to every dance class together and smile so big. She is such a positive light and a beautiful friend. (❁ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈) ༉‧ ♡*.✧
*song of the month*: Flim by Aphex Twin (My theme song)
Lastly, I wrote and self published a book of poetry in 2023 titled Earth to Infinity. You can buy it in the “Shop” tab along with bookmarks and prints of my poetry, hand written and scanned by myself. If you enjoyed this blog or at least made it to the end, consider supporting me and purchasing an item (or a few). Thank you in advance ❤︎
Love 4ever,
Infinity