#9 People Change
If you needed to read something to make you feel good about yourself, this might be it. And not a “wow that was inspiring I’m ready to get up and be inspired” good about yourself. I mean, you won’t feel alone. And often, that’s exactly what we need to simply keep going in life, to get out of bed, to feel grateful for the day. I always say this but, it’s inevitable to feel too much, it’s nice to feel at all. So here I am, accepting these feelings, reminding myself that I’m not the only one—that we share the art of feeling. And what a masterpiece we get to create every day!
Lately……..
I could scream at myself. Ugh! Why do I get in the way of myself? Right when I thought things were good, right when things were getting better, right when I was happy.
Allowing space for things to unfold naturally means that doors inevitably close, and in turn, new doors open. Whether the result feels good or feels bad, we can say that we’re evolving naturally by allowing a natural flow. When it’s natural, it's meant to be. Although, when I allow what I feel to affect my environment, I think that’s when it becomes confusing because then it’s out of my control. There’s not a lot in life that I–we, control. But, I can control the way I react, the way I view, the way I receive. What I can’t control is the way my feelings and my actions are going to affect another individual. And that—my feelings and/or actions—seem to be what determines whether a door opens or closes.
This year, there has been a lot of closing, making space for the opening. There has been a lot of closing for the sake of an end, period. I have been forced to accept that so much around me is changing. I’m changing. People change. I have had to accept that doors close. I have had to accept that I do have the power to open new doors and that naturally, for the better, doors I can’t even see in front of me will continue to open and close. There is an endless flow of love on its way to me at all times. The way these doors function are all in my favor in one way or another. They open out of love, they close out of love. That proved true earlier last week after reuniting with a friend for whom the love grew more fond and more ripe with years of distance, even through the pain of separation. I love, love. And the evolution of love. I love that it grows. I love that it learns. I love that it teaches. And I hope the love I have in my heart speaks volumes going forward to whomever needs it. It’s all intentional for me and I love with my whole heart, even those who had to close doors or are standing with one foot in the door. It’s not easy to make those decisions either and as I age and learn, I can appreciate and respect that.
This year, I've made decisions that I have to allow to change me–whether I like it or not. This year, I have been reflecting on why and how people have decided to close the door we share; on how easy the decision feels for them to make, on how and why I have decided to close certain doors myself. This year, I have been grieving since the start. This year is changing me and this year I will allow it. The pain of adjusting to change is the hardest, weirdest, void-like feeling. Especially when it involves people you love. People change. People change. And I’m changing too.
People are supposed to change. I’m reminded of a time when I was my most malleable, when someone I once loved scolded me, spit at me, abused me, judged my evolution, faulted my change. I’m reminded of the song “Yes I’m Changing” by Tame Impala that helped me through that shift in my life. And I think, in my season of change and transition, I will continue to write about it as specifically as I can bare. (And I know I’m being incredibly unspecific in this blog, but I’m warming up.) There is so much to say. Here I am again, in another major shift in my life. I’m sure it’s simple from the outside! When I talk about it, only a few people have anything truly meaningful to say. So I don’t talk about it. When I talk about it, it becomes so real. So I don’t talk about it. People change, people change. And it’s easier said than experienced.
Words are precious to me. Below is a poem I share, reluctantly, for the sake of accepting change. For the sake of allowing my decisions to change me and accepting the decisions I’ve made. I hold on to people really tightly, so when I lose someone, I know it’s because they wanted to lose me. And I accept that! Sometimes I let myself sit in that grief, and out comes poetry that looks like this.
I see now,
I am easy to lose.
for a day
or a week,
for a month
or a few.
in a year I’ll be here,
or I might have traveled far.
still, in a year all these feelings
will have stayed where they are.
I will change.
I will grow.
I will learn.
I will dream.
and these feelings will live on
—a sore, sweet imprint in me.
it’s not easy to yearn
when I’m easy to lose,
but I love how I love
and I bruise how I bruise.
*song of the month*: 6am by Moonchild — I can’t stop crying to this song.
Lastly, I wrote and self published a book of poetry in 2023 titled Earth to Infinity. You can buy it in the “Shop” tab along with bookmarks and prints of my poetry, hand written and scanned by myself. If you enjoyed this blog or at least made it to the end, consider supporting me and purchasing an item (or a few). Thank you in advance ❤︎
Love 4ever,
Infinity